09:20am - Ok, so about 18 months ago I did a blogathon as a way of kicking off my blog here. I didn't blog very much before I lost interest and I don't doubt for one second it'll be the same again this time. But I am that bored due to injury, being jobless and awake at an inexplicably early hour (I didn't sleep till about 3am), that I'm doing this to entertain myself.
If you are a person that isn't me and reading this, cheers and hello!
09:33am - So yeah, I'm jobless. Just one of many changes since I last bothered to write anything. I'm not jobless through choice though - I got chucked out with monies! I never realised how ruthless the redundancy process was until it happened to me. The bit that hurt the most wasn't the fact that I was losing my job, it was that I was given the exact minimum amount of money they could pay me with annual leave calculated to the the actual date of my departure (near the end of June) .
So if anyone needs any admin services, or perhaps you're a high flying business exec lady with no time for a relationship but still has needs and wants to pay for services rendered* I'm available!
*High flying exec lady may want to pay for a more chiselled model than my lump of manlyness. (Sheesh even the prostitution business is tough!)
10:06am - I should add that I had been in my job nearly 8 years before I got laid off, hence the feeling of hurt, it was like all my time there didn't matter at all.
Anyway, moving on to the injured portion of why I'm doing this. On Friday I pulled a muscle in my thigh, initially it hurt quite a lot but thankfully when I did it I was at the beginning of what would become a significant binge drinking session so the pain was somewhat numbed.
So we're now on Monday and my initial thought when I got up was to go for a run, only to realise I couldn't as the moment I got out of bed I realised it was still a bit sore.
And how did I sustain my debilitating injury?
Getting into a tent. Nobody is cooler than me.
10:32am - Of course getting injured getting into a tent is quite mild for me as I'm quite calamitous. I once broke my foot falling off a pavement (the drop was a couple of inches!) and injured my back getting out of my car.
I've also nearly accidentally died three times that I can recall, all in my formative years, which I guess could explain 'me' a bit! The first two ways I nearly died were both in instances of drowning. One at the beach playing in a pool left by the sea as the tide went out, apparently my dad saw me struggling from a distance away and had to go all baywatch to save me. I wish I hadn't put that as the thought of my dad in an orange mankini running across the beach is not an appealing one.
The second was in my next door neighbour's back garden when I was about 3. I always liked his pond and the fish that resided in it. So much that I apparently tried to join them.
The last one that I remember is the time I fell off the Great Orme in Llandudno (as you do). We were out walking on a path up said Orme and I accidentally fell off the path. I was only saved by grasping at vines that kept coming away with every snatch and my dad's quick thinking in dangling the dog lead down to pull me up.
11:06am - Off to make some lunch, so we'll have a musical interlude now:
11:32am - BREAKING NEWS!!! Due to unforseen circumstances this 24 hour blogathon has been temporarily suspended. Basically I've got something better to do. I will resume blogging when this is no longer the case.
Off to get showered now in readiness for the outside world, what a scary place that is.
10:49pm - I don't suppose anyone actually cares but obviously I didn't resume this. I was on a roll until I got invited to spend the afternoon with friends, which was definitely a more enticing option. Maybe I'll give this another go tomorrow when I'm completely bored again!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Monday, October 05, 2009
I Am Man, Hear Me Roar!
So I fired a gun for the first time in my life yesterday. Ok, the first time I'd ever shot a real gun and not some air rifle or even just a water pistol (it was a super soaker with awesome range tho!).
I've been invited many times over the past few years to go round to a mate's to do a bit of clay pigeon shooting and yesterday I finally got round to doing it. Initially just the bang was enough to give you a buzz but then when you actually hit a clay (or a 'bird' if you want to get into techy speak) it's like seeing your team score! Tho I did get a couple of polite reminders that fist pumping and jubilation should only occur after the breaking of the gun and discarding of the used cartridge!
So yeah, I've now fired a gun at defenceless clay objects and even managed to shatter a few too. So I reckon come the apocolypse I'm now equipped to go shoot stuff for hunter/gatehrer purposes. Providing it's not a neuclear apocolypse of course in which case shooting oneself may be preferable depending on level of zombification.
I've been invited many times over the past few years to go round to a mate's to do a bit of clay pigeon shooting and yesterday I finally got round to doing it. Initially just the bang was enough to give you a buzz but then when you actually hit a clay (or a 'bird' if you want to get into techy speak) it's like seeing your team score! Tho I did get a couple of polite reminders that fist pumping and jubilation should only occur after the breaking of the gun and discarding of the used cartridge!
So yeah, I've now fired a gun at defenceless clay objects and even managed to shatter a few too. So I reckon come the apocolypse I'm now equipped to go shoot stuff for hunter/gatehrer purposes. Providing it's not a neuclear apocolypse of course in which case shooting oneself may be preferable depending on level of zombification.
Monday, August 03, 2009
The Poem (See Previous Post For Explanation)
Sitting here admiring, the ocean's sweet retreat
Slowly surrendering the golden beach to me
A tide of beauty blue, it makes an awesome sight
And although it is surrounded it retains it's awe and might
As it retreats, the masses invade
Scores of people, sun worshipping babes
The sea remains calm and offers no fight
It embraces the mob, allows their delight
But then the gallant knight changes courses
Returning triumphant upon his white horses
And before you can blink the beach again is consumed
By the sweetest, deepest, darkest of blues
The day has now passed, slowly giving in to the night
The sun dissapears reflecting radiant red light
As the moon comes up, I return to my keep
The sea's soothing whispers send me to sleep
Slowly surrendering the golden beach to me
A tide of beauty blue, it makes an awesome sight
And although it is surrounded it retains it's awe and might
As it retreats, the masses invade
Scores of people, sun worshipping babes
The sea remains calm and offers no fight
It embraces the mob, allows their delight
But then the gallant knight changes courses
Returning triumphant upon his white horses
And before you can blink the beach again is consumed
By the sweetest, deepest, darkest of blues
The day has now passed, slowly giving in to the night
The sun dissapears reflecting radiant red light
As the moon comes up, I return to my keep
The sea's soothing whispers send me to sleep
Getting To The Point...Not Straight Away Tho!
So I was going to write a long winded bunch of waffle about what I've been up to, mainly so I could get to the point as to why I'm blogging, that being to post a poem I've written. But I can't just put it up as obviously you all need context (I know what's best for you!).
Basically a couple of weekends ago I drove up to Shell Island (I FINALLY passed my driving test in June!) with some friends and we spent a couple of days camping there. We were actually going to stay longer but both mine and my friends' tents suffered severe pole damage early on the Sunday morning so we called it a weekend.
Anyway, I took a notepad with me hoping I could get some writing in and so whilst my camping friends were reading / having a sleep I went up to a bench overlooking the sea and came up with what is surely a poetry sensation which I'll put in my next post. As you may be able to tell, I was feeling very relaxed at the time and used the sea as my inspiration. I actually finished it off a few days after I came home as part way through composing it one of my mates came over to me and suggested we went for a pint - yes, it was a real tough decision!
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Dreams II
A couple of years back I wrote about a couple of dreams that I’d had about the Fonz and Killer Whales. Just recently I had another very vivid dream which was quite distressing, but has given me the basis of an idea for my next book that I’ll not write.
The dream was about this woman, slightly rotund but not obese, in her mid 40’s with deep sea blue penetrating eyes. This woman was a serial killer with her pattern being that she only killed men.
Basically she lured men into thinking she was this vulnerable little dear lady and then when she had them where she wanted them she would strike, always using a knife. I don’t really remember why but there was some empathy for her and she was doing what she was doing partially down to a haunted past. I don’t know what that past was and there would be where my author’s licence would kick in.
Anyway her identity got out and I saw her in the street, wearing jeans, a lumberjack type shirt (blue and black patches) with a black hooded sweatshirt underneath with the hood pulled over her head. Recognising her and underestimating her because of her size comparable to mine I try to challenge her. She stares at me and I get the chill running right through me, before she takes off down the street.
For some reason I decide to give chase and chase her down to some secluded spot (possibly a canal or some dingy side alley, I can’t recall) where she suddenly turns. Again here I can’t really recall what happens but there is either a conversation or simply I tackle her but it ends in a small struggle with me being stabbed once in the chest and then, like the heart attack dream I spoke of at the end of the killer whale one, it all goes black.
I then shot up in bed and I was sweating and breathing heavily (and no, there wasn’t someone at the end of a phone!). I’ve decided to call the lady in this dream Mrs (or Ms.) Hartline. Why Hartline? Well I could say it has connotation with being stabbed in the chest and dying and whatnot but the simple truth is when I logged onto KFFL to see if there had been any trade / signing news in the NFL that surname leapt off the page. It’s apparently the name of some rookie that didn’t get drafted but then got signed afterwards and I just loved the name for the character.
I need to stop dying when I go to sleep!
The dream was about this woman, slightly rotund but not obese, in her mid 40’s with deep sea blue penetrating eyes. This woman was a serial killer with her pattern being that she only killed men.
Basically she lured men into thinking she was this vulnerable little dear lady and then when she had them where she wanted them she would strike, always using a knife. I don’t really remember why but there was some empathy for her and she was doing what she was doing partially down to a haunted past. I don’t know what that past was and there would be where my author’s licence would kick in.
Anyway her identity got out and I saw her in the street, wearing jeans, a lumberjack type shirt (blue and black patches) with a black hooded sweatshirt underneath with the hood pulled over her head. Recognising her and underestimating her because of her size comparable to mine I try to challenge her. She stares at me and I get the chill running right through me, before she takes off down the street.
For some reason I decide to give chase and chase her down to some secluded spot (possibly a canal or some dingy side alley, I can’t recall) where she suddenly turns. Again here I can’t really recall what happens but there is either a conversation or simply I tackle her but it ends in a small struggle with me being stabbed once in the chest and then, like the heart attack dream I spoke of at the end of the killer whale one, it all goes black.
I then shot up in bed and I was sweating and breathing heavily (and no, there wasn’t someone at the end of a phone!). I’ve decided to call the lady in this dream Mrs (or Ms.) Hartline. Why Hartline? Well I could say it has connotation with being stabbed in the chest and dying and whatnot but the simple truth is when I logged onto KFFL to see if there had been any trade / signing news in the NFL that surname leapt off the page. It’s apparently the name of some rookie that didn’t get drafted but then got signed afterwards and I just loved the name for the character.
I need to stop dying when I go to sleep!
Saturday, April 04, 2009
£125
Is what I could be sat here with now had I of followed the advice of a computer generated simulator last night. Instead I decided in my wisdom that no horse with odds of 100-1 would win the Grand National and so searched a couple more times to find something with more of a 'chance' (it fell over at the same time as another one I'd backed and my dad's choice which was winning at the time). In case you're wondering what my outlay for this return would have been - £2 yes TWO POUNDS!
Ahh well...all part of life's rich (or should that be poor?) tapestry I suppose.
Ahh well...all part of life's rich (or should that be poor?) tapestry I suppose.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Fitness Update:
I talked about my fitness regime in my recent in my 24 hour blogathon (oh ok, 20 hour). I'm sure you were all very distressed to learn that my available methods of exercise had all been removed from me, owing to nearly 3 years of abuse of the bike and then the most shoddy piece of kit I've ever bought (a cheap but not that cheap rower from Tesco online). Thankfully I was finally able to remedy my lack of exercise equipment this weekend buy buying one of these bad boys.
It's an awesome piece of kit too, definitely better than anything I've used in the past and I got mine fairly cheap as I got it 2nd hand (definitely in 2nd hand condition) off a relative - hooray! What I found most intriguing about that link to my new bike / rower combo of calorie burning wonderment however was the bit under the section 'people who bought this also bought' - namely Appetite For Destruction by Guns 'N 'Roses. Must be a lot of angry exercisers out there!
It's an awesome piece of kit too, definitely better than anything I've used in the past and I got mine fairly cheap as I got it 2nd hand (definitely in 2nd hand condition) off a relative - hooray! What I found most intriguing about that link to my new bike / rower combo of calorie burning wonderment however was the bit under the section 'people who bought this also bought' - namely Appetite For Destruction by Guns 'N 'Roses. Must be a lot of angry exercisers out there!
Monday, March 09, 2009
Blogathon
Right ok, so inspired by Mr. Maiocco of the 49ers beat reporting fame (http://blog.pressdemocrat.com/49ers/2009/03/regularly-scheduled-updates-thoughts-throughout-the-day.html) I’ve decided that as I have no purposeful stuff to do for the next 24 hours that I am going to keep a blog and update it every half hour / or whenever I can be bothered (obviously I will be asleep for a significant period ergo blogging will not occur during this timeframe ). I was going to say something derogatory about my writing here but stuff it!
00.36am – Ok, something nice, personal and fluffy to start with. Belated Birthday mentions to Katy whose birthday was celebrated in total super drunk fashion this weekend in her home town of Manchester (I’m referring to my condition post beer proceedings). Once again my gift giving ability was greatly praised... (to quote the birthday girl herself “you give the best presents”)
What can I say? I rule.
00.47am – Before I publish this and make it live, I’m going to republish the ‘good’ stuff that used to be on my facebook blog starting with the oldest entry first.
01.52am – Sheesh, uploading my facebook blog to here took a while! At last I’ve caught up and everything is updated now though. Maybe some sort of music log is fitting here, god knows what, Kool and the Gang's 'Celebration' seems a tad obvious!
02.06am - Those of you that know me will know that in the last few years I have undertaken a stringent exercise regime which caused me to lose roughly half a person. As I'm sure you will all want fitness updates my current fitness status is as follows:
Putting a bit of weight on due to an over appreciation of Beef Monster Munch, a broken excercise bike at Christmas and an even more recent falling apart of the rowing machine intended to be the bike's replacement. Currently awaiting refund for rower to purchase new bike - feeling a tad tubby.
02.28am - In tribute to Mr. Maiocco, I suppose I should briefly mention the 49ers (are you all asleep? probably for the best!). It seems in Ninerland a lot of people are miffed about not landing a top Free Agent, given that we've not had a winning season for six years (that means winning at least 9 games in any one season for those of you determined enough to carry on!). And there's also the whole Warner thing which dependant on your viewpoint, the Niners looked savvy or a bit dense.
Anyway we have the draft of 2009 to come and assuming the Cards don't wind up with LT (or at least an LT who is not past it) then we might have a chance at the Playoffs in 2009 - not hoping too much though and I promise this is my only NFL post that will occur in my blogathon.
02.55am - Can't belive the troubles have resumed in Ireland. I hope that the miltants really are a fragment of what they once were. I walked past the Arndale Centre yesterday afternoon, the impact of what once happened there was not lost on me. It was really weird though, because I hadn't followed the news for a few days and so what happened over the weekend really shocked me.
03:14am - Going to turn in for the night so likely won't be back until some time tomorrow afternoon, but I will post when I get out of my pit and continue to blog till I turn in for the night tomorrow - hopefully that will be enough for a 24 hour blogathon!
Sweet dreams (or if not sweet, Fonz related!)
11:50am - Just dragged my arse out of bed in time for dinner (yeah dinner - not lunch!). In case any of you are wondering I started this somewhat under the influence but unlike many things I do when drunk, this still seems like a good idea now! There's a couple of things I've written that I'd like to change I suppose but what goes on the blog stays on the blog! :)
12:08pm - Despite being registered on here for years I've never actually thought to try work out how this works before so I'm still trying to do some stuff. Including adding links in the side bar bit as you really all should check out http://www.rantamatt.blogspot.com/
12:26pm - I've now had a discussion with another blog person and have been instructed as to what to do to edit the links. As soon as my fragile little mind understands such complexities I'll be doing that.
12:51pm - Not so dense after all! To edit my links I had to first upgrade my template - not a big fan of this current format so for the next half an hour I'll likely be looking at new templates for you to view this wonderpiece of journalistic magnificence in a more aestheticly pleasing manner...
01:09pm - Decisions decisions, do I go 24 hour clock or not? I've gone for the easier to view 12 hour prefix though I'm not sure if it would have more artistic value if I went 24 hours. Not changed the template yet as I was called away on, err, urgent business.
01:23pm - Ok I know I said what goes on the blog stays on the blog and I know I'm likely admitting this to nobody but I'm gonna fess up anyway. I've edited some of my initial ramblings from last night as I just wasn't comfortable with the language, I'm capable enough to be able to express myself without swearing and I don't think it adds anything to the written form. I was only sweary because I was somewhat inebriated you understand and so I can't guarantee that I won't 'booze n blog' in the future and not be sweary, though I will try!
01:48pm - Despite my blog title I don't fish. I haven't fished since I was a teenager down the local park where I once caught a trout weighing about 1-2lbs! A truly monmuental moment in my life.
02:07pm - In a vague fishy / watery way, I was reading about Rodney, Mississipi yesterday. Interesting that what once nearly became the state capital is now an abandoned ghost town - I fully expect it to feature on some sort of show at some point probably called "Redirected River Traumas" or some such title.
02:35pm - I had something all worked out in my mind for this entry but I've forgotten it as I wrote an email to a mate and distracted myself. I've still not looked at changing the template yet so I'd better do that before the wind changes and it stays like this.
02:58pm - Still not sold on the template but I'll stick with it for now. No more template talk now as this isn't template watch! Just trying to find a video on you tube for your viewing pleasure but I can't seem to get video on here - so that's my new blog project!
03:16pm - This is a test, sorry it's not exactly original video that you won't all ready have seen:
03:34pm - Well I'm well over half way in my blogathon and I'm not tiring yet (I can hear you groaning - quiet at the back!). My search for a particular video has been thwarted and so that ends that for now but at least I know how to embed now, how cool am I? What do you mean not very!?
03:58pm - Suddenly run into a wall and writer's block has struck. So I'm going to make this entry about the fact that I can't think of anything to write for this entry thus giving me something to write about in this entry.
04:20pm - Just found this - loving the lunatic ninja comment at the end - top job. I love funny stories like this and stuff you read about in the darwin awards. It also reminds me of the following article that my ex-boss found on her travels in The Gambia.
04:29pm - I can't get the picture to not appear at the top so I can't include it (and my tech monkey currently isn't available on Messenger). Anyway, it was about a bloke being arrested for being drunk in charge of a Camel and it was ace. Ahh well - my favourtie headline of all time remains "Cow Found Dead in River" - was it just an accident or perhaps fowl play (oof bad pun, sorry), I never did find out.
05:00pm - Off now to make my tea. I'd like to act like I'm some sort of culinary genius but I'm not - tonight's fare will be brought to me by the Bertolli's secret family recipie sauce, Tesco's finest pasta shells and some meatballs, presumably courtesy of some pig or cow.
That's not to say I can't cook, I can, best beans on toast you'll ever have! Other feats of cooking greatness include Lasagne, a Sunday Roast and err...err...I'll get back to you!
05:42pm - The belly is all full and I'm feeling contented and am off to make coffee no. 9,787 of the day shortly. Whilst I was slaving over the hot cooker, I was thinking about whether the meatballs were from a pig or a cow and then pondered over the combination of the two. Matt J who I referenced earlier is always up for discussing combo creatures and so this led me to come up with the Picow for all your meat eating needs. I did put something that could be considered slander here and so have remoooooved it as I don't want to have any beef with anyone or be up for the chop...*gets slapped across face* yes, sorry.
06:07pm - Musical Interlude:
It's a bloke called Josh Rouse, I only know one other person who is a fan of his work so I expect to get slated - I'll redress the balance with a bit of metal later but as I've spent much of the day hungover, Josh is the man for this occassion.
06:36pm - I've gone nearly 2 months now without buying myself anything (apart from beer, lots of beer to be fair) as I've been pooling my resources into my attempts to become a motorist. I recently purchased my second ever first car, ironically enough it's a black Ford Fiesta just like my first ever first car. To explain, I bought one was I about 21 but had no real interest in learning and think I drove it three times before it eventually ended up being scrapped.
This time around though I've spent boat loads of my hard earned cash and so am determined to keep going, hard as it is when you fail - not mention expensive, £56.50 for a test plus £40 for 2 hours use of the instructors car! And no, you don't even get a smile for that £56.50!
06:41pm - Just realised that I said I haven't bought myself anything and then said I bought a car which is something of a continuity error. What I meant was I haven't bought myself anything not related to driving for 2 months - not even a CD. Besides, I can't drive the car anywhere so it doesn't count!
07:07pm - Well we had the ghost town earlier so let's have a ghost ship now. I've always been fascinated with this story since I was a child, from what I've read about it in the past the cargo although it was alcohol was the stuff the use to make port or something like that - it wasn't really drinkable as it was anyway - so if it was targeted by Pirates why did they leave it all untouched?
07:41am - Thinking of wrapping this up now. If I can't think of anything worth writing about by the next time I'm due to write something then I'll probably just call it a day.
In the meantime, here's some metal:
08:37pm - Yup I'm calling time on this little project. It was fun to do but a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, different way to start a new blog I suppose!
00.36am – Ok, something nice, personal and fluffy to start with. Belated Birthday mentions to Katy whose birthday was celebrated in total super drunk fashion this weekend in her home town of Manchester (I’m referring to my condition post beer proceedings). Once again my gift giving ability was greatly praised... (to quote the birthday girl herself “you give the best presents”)
What can I say? I rule.
00.47am – Before I publish this and make it live, I’m going to republish the ‘good’ stuff that used to be on my facebook blog starting with the oldest entry first.
01.52am – Sheesh, uploading my facebook blog to here took a while! At last I’ve caught up and everything is updated now though. Maybe some sort of music log is fitting here, god knows what, Kool and the Gang's 'Celebration' seems a tad obvious!
02.06am - Those of you that know me will know that in the last few years I have undertaken a stringent exercise regime which caused me to lose roughly half a person. As I'm sure you will all want fitness updates my current fitness status is as follows:
Putting a bit of weight on due to an over appreciation of Beef Monster Munch, a broken excercise bike at Christmas and an even more recent falling apart of the rowing machine intended to be the bike's replacement. Currently awaiting refund for rower to purchase new bike - feeling a tad tubby.
02.28am - In tribute to Mr. Maiocco, I suppose I should briefly mention the 49ers (are you all asleep? probably for the best!). It seems in Ninerland a lot of people are miffed about not landing a top Free Agent, given that we've not had a winning season for six years (that means winning at least 9 games in any one season for those of you determined enough to carry on!). And there's also the whole Warner thing which dependant on your viewpoint, the Niners looked savvy or a bit dense.
Anyway we have the draft of 2009 to come and assuming the Cards don't wind up with LT (or at least an LT who is not past it) then we might have a chance at the Playoffs in 2009 - not hoping too much though and I promise this is my only NFL post that will occur in my blogathon.
02.55am - Can't belive the troubles have resumed in Ireland. I hope that the miltants really are a fragment of what they once were. I walked past the Arndale Centre yesterday afternoon, the impact of what once happened there was not lost on me. It was really weird though, because I hadn't followed the news for a few days and so what happened over the weekend really shocked me.
03:14am - Going to turn in for the night so likely won't be back until some time tomorrow afternoon, but I will post when I get out of my pit and continue to blog till I turn in for the night tomorrow - hopefully that will be enough for a 24 hour blogathon!
Sweet dreams (or if not sweet, Fonz related!)
11:50am - Just dragged my arse out of bed in time for dinner (yeah dinner - not lunch!). In case any of you are wondering I started this somewhat under the influence but unlike many things I do when drunk, this still seems like a good idea now! There's a couple of things I've written that I'd like to change I suppose but what goes on the blog stays on the blog! :)
12:08pm - Despite being registered on here for years I've never actually thought to try work out how this works before so I'm still trying to do some stuff. Including adding links in the side bar bit as you really all should check out http://www.rantamatt.blogspot.com/
12:26pm - I've now had a discussion with another blog person and have been instructed as to what to do to edit the links. As soon as my fragile little mind understands such complexities I'll be doing that.
12:51pm - Not so dense after all! To edit my links I had to first upgrade my template - not a big fan of this current format so for the next half an hour I'll likely be looking at new templates for you to view this wonderpiece of journalistic magnificence in a more aestheticly pleasing manner...
01:09pm - Decisions decisions, do I go 24 hour clock or not? I've gone for the easier to view 12 hour prefix though I'm not sure if it would have more artistic value if I went 24 hours. Not changed the template yet as I was called away on, err, urgent business.
01:23pm - Ok I know I said what goes on the blog stays on the blog and I know I'm likely admitting this to nobody but I'm gonna fess up anyway. I've edited some of my initial ramblings from last night as I just wasn't comfortable with the language, I'm capable enough to be able to express myself without swearing and I don't think it adds anything to the written form. I was only sweary because I was somewhat inebriated you understand and so I can't guarantee that I won't 'booze n blog' in the future and not be sweary, though I will try!
01:48pm - Despite my blog title I don't fish. I haven't fished since I was a teenager down the local park where I once caught a trout weighing about 1-2lbs! A truly monmuental moment in my life.
02:07pm - In a vague fishy / watery way, I was reading about Rodney, Mississipi yesterday. Interesting that what once nearly became the state capital is now an abandoned ghost town - I fully expect it to feature on some sort of show at some point probably called "Redirected River Traumas" or some such title.
02:35pm - I had something all worked out in my mind for this entry but I've forgotten it as I wrote an email to a mate and distracted myself. I've still not looked at changing the template yet so I'd better do that before the wind changes and it stays like this.
02:58pm - Still not sold on the template but I'll stick with it for now. No more template talk now as this isn't template watch! Just trying to find a video on you tube for your viewing pleasure but I can't seem to get video on here - so that's my new blog project!
03:16pm - This is a test, sorry it's not exactly original video that you won't all ready have seen:
03:34pm - Well I'm well over half way in my blogathon and I'm not tiring yet (I can hear you groaning - quiet at the back!). My search for a particular video has been thwarted and so that ends that for now but at least I know how to embed now, how cool am I? What do you mean not very!?
03:58pm - Suddenly run into a wall and writer's block has struck. So I'm going to make this entry about the fact that I can't think of anything to write for this entry thus giving me something to write about in this entry.
04:20pm - Just found this - loving the lunatic ninja comment at the end - top job. I love funny stories like this and stuff you read about in the darwin awards. It also reminds me of the following article that my ex-boss found on her travels in The Gambia.
04:29pm - I can't get the picture to not appear at the top so I can't include it (and my tech monkey currently isn't available on Messenger). Anyway, it was about a bloke being arrested for being drunk in charge of a Camel and it was ace. Ahh well - my favourtie headline of all time remains "Cow Found Dead in River" - was it just an accident or perhaps fowl play (oof bad pun, sorry), I never did find out.
05:00pm - Off now to make my tea. I'd like to act like I'm some sort of culinary genius but I'm not - tonight's fare will be brought to me by the Bertolli's secret family recipie sauce, Tesco's finest pasta shells and some meatballs, presumably courtesy of some pig or cow.
That's not to say I can't cook, I can, best beans on toast you'll ever have! Other feats of cooking greatness include Lasagne, a Sunday Roast and err...err...I'll get back to you!
05:42pm - The belly is all full and I'm feeling contented and am off to make coffee no. 9,787 of the day shortly. Whilst I was slaving over the hot cooker, I was thinking about whether the meatballs were from a pig or a cow and then pondered over the combination of the two. Matt J who I referenced earlier is always up for discussing combo creatures and so this led me to come up with the Picow for all your meat eating needs. I did put something that could be considered slander here and so have remoooooved it as I don't want to have any beef with anyone or be up for the chop...*gets slapped across face* yes, sorry.
06:07pm - Musical Interlude:
It's a bloke called Josh Rouse, I only know one other person who is a fan of his work so I expect to get slated - I'll redress the balance with a bit of metal later but as I've spent much of the day hungover, Josh is the man for this occassion.
06:36pm - I've gone nearly 2 months now without buying myself anything (apart from beer, lots of beer to be fair) as I've been pooling my resources into my attempts to become a motorist. I recently purchased my second ever first car, ironically enough it's a black Ford Fiesta just like my first ever first car. To explain, I bought one was I about 21 but had no real interest in learning and think I drove it three times before it eventually ended up being scrapped.
This time around though I've spent boat loads of my hard earned cash and so am determined to keep going, hard as it is when you fail - not mention expensive, £56.50 for a test plus £40 for 2 hours use of the instructors car! And no, you don't even get a smile for that £56.50!
06:41pm - Just realised that I said I haven't bought myself anything and then said I bought a car which is something of a continuity error. What I meant was I haven't bought myself anything not related to driving for 2 months - not even a CD. Besides, I can't drive the car anywhere so it doesn't count!
07:07pm - Well we had the ghost town earlier so let's have a ghost ship now. I've always been fascinated with this story since I was a child, from what I've read about it in the past the cargo although it was alcohol was the stuff the use to make port or something like that - it wasn't really drinkable as it was anyway - so if it was targeted by Pirates why did they leave it all untouched?
07:41am - Thinking of wrapping this up now. If I can't think of anything worth writing about by the next time I'm due to write something then I'll probably just call it a day.
In the meantime, here's some metal:
08:37pm - Yup I'm calling time on this little project. It was fun to do but a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, different way to start a new blog I suppose!
Top Ten........
........Things I Want To Do In My 30’s (Originally Posted 6th Nov 08)
In another new series which I probably won’t ever repeat again, I’m going to do a top ten. I’ve been dreading turning 30 but as this day rapidly descends on me I’ve realised there’s not an awful lot I can do about it. So with that in mind here’s my top ten things I want to do in my next decade.
1. It would probably be wise and definitely fair to my long-suffering parents that I actually move out and get my own gaff. I’m quite sure that my mum would have me stay forever and, despite his protestations, I’m equally sure that secretly my dad wouldn’t mind either. But it is a bit lame that I still live at home and so this is something I definitely want to do sooner rather than later.
2. Get a full time job – As I’ve only ever worked part time since I was 17, it’s now time to admit that I can no longer continue to live in a manner that I’ve been accustomed to – spending more days off in a 7 day period that I do in work. This is also a necessity to facilitate point number 1.
3. With my newfound wealth that a full time job will surely have, find a decent pension plan or similar savings type investment thing to put into, in the event I should live into old age.The only issue I have with this is I don’t want any cat’s home, the reigning monarch at the time or my sister getting all my cash should I have no one to leave it to if I do indeed depart before being able to reap the rewards. So, if you want to volunteer here as a backup person to leave my junk to – please reply with “You should leave me all your useless crap and saved monies because…” and your reasons and I’ll then take you into consideration :op
4. Get out and see a bit more of the world. There are so many places I want to see / go to – San Francisco (to see the 49ers if they ever stop sucking), Hawaii, Cape Town and Easter Island amongst the places that I really wanna go to.
5. Finish my Sir Richard Kumquat story or at least start writing something and finish it!
6. Pass my driving test / get a car. Technically this should be a shoe in as I’m on my way to passing now. For those of you not aware I recently passed my theory test and so hope to pass my driving test in the next few months too, but by the time I take my test I’ll definitely be 30 so it gets in. As for the car, I’m thinking of some sort of banger for under £1000 – all suggestions welcome (9th March edit - I now have a car,- but no license, so a bit pointless now!)
7. Go on a helicopter flight. I’ve always wanted to do this. I’ve not yet done it.
8. Travel with the roof down in a car on a hot summer’s day. I’ve never done this and whilst I still have hair for the wind to pass through, I’d like to get this done!
9. Avoid going grey / bald. Tricky one this as it’s totally up to nature / genetics. I’m optimistic that most of my hair might not fall out, less so on the greying though.
10. Not forget that life should be enjoyed as much as possible and that age is nothing but a f’in number!
In another new series which I probably won’t ever repeat again, I’m going to do a top ten. I’ve been dreading turning 30 but as this day rapidly descends on me I’ve realised there’s not an awful lot I can do about it. So with that in mind here’s my top ten things I want to do in my next decade.
1. It would probably be wise and definitely fair to my long-suffering parents that I actually move out and get my own gaff. I’m quite sure that my mum would have me stay forever and, despite his protestations, I’m equally sure that secretly my dad wouldn’t mind either. But it is a bit lame that I still live at home and so this is something I definitely want to do sooner rather than later.
2. Get a full time job – As I’ve only ever worked part time since I was 17, it’s now time to admit that I can no longer continue to live in a manner that I’ve been accustomed to – spending more days off in a 7 day period that I do in work. This is also a necessity to facilitate point number 1.
3. With my newfound wealth that a full time job will surely have, find a decent pension plan or similar savings type investment thing to put into, in the event I should live into old age.The only issue I have with this is I don’t want any cat’s home, the reigning monarch at the time or my sister getting all my cash should I have no one to leave it to if I do indeed depart before being able to reap the rewards. So, if you want to volunteer here as a backup person to leave my junk to – please reply with “You should leave me all your useless crap and saved monies because…” and your reasons and I’ll then take you into consideration :op
4. Get out and see a bit more of the world. There are so many places I want to see / go to – San Francisco (to see the 49ers if they ever stop sucking), Hawaii, Cape Town and Easter Island amongst the places that I really wanna go to.
5. Finish my Sir Richard Kumquat story or at least start writing something and finish it!
6. Pass my driving test / get a car. Technically this should be a shoe in as I’m on my way to passing now. For those of you not aware I recently passed my theory test and so hope to pass my driving test in the next few months too, but by the time I take my test I’ll definitely be 30 so it gets in. As for the car, I’m thinking of some sort of banger for under £1000 – all suggestions welcome (9th March edit - I now have a car,- but no license, so a bit pointless now!)
7. Go on a helicopter flight. I’ve always wanted to do this. I’ve not yet done it.
8. Travel with the roof down in a car on a hot summer’s day. I’ve never done this and whilst I still have hair for the wind to pass through, I’d like to get this done!
9. Avoid going grey / bald. Tricky one this as it’s totally up to nature / genetics. I’m optimistic that most of my hair might not fall out, less so on the greying though.
10. Not forget that life should be enjoyed as much as possible and that age is nothing but a f’in number!
Terry The Penguin
(Originally Posted 10th June 08)
Terry the penguin, he was all right
He waddled around, he was black and was white
He sometimes got embarrassed in front of his penguiny mates
Cos he would fall over owing to his penguiny skates
But Terry was scared of the ocean blue
Because of Leopard Seals and the Killer Whales too
And whenever he reached the deep blue sea
He was scared he’d become someone’s tea
So Terry decided to do something about it
Something that may be considered quite drastic
He called Greenpeace and told him his worry
That he was concerned he’d become someone’s curry
Greenpeace were baffled as they like all creatures
But they came anyway to broaden Terry’s features
For this was all part of Terry’s big plan
Because with Greenpeace followed the boys from Japan
And to his delight they harpooned all the whales
Who had eaten his mates as soon as they’d sailed
They also frightened off the Leopard Seals too
Who were scared that they also may be harpooned
And the Japanese finished and they went
And Greenpeace pursued with their hippy intent
This meant the ocean for Terry was now free
For his mates to join him, having fun in the sea
This was just something I knocked together cos I wanted to cheer myself up a bit. I like it anyway - which is good, you know, what with it being for me and everything! :o)
Terry the penguin, he was all right
He waddled around, he was black and was white
He sometimes got embarrassed in front of his penguiny mates
Cos he would fall over owing to his penguiny skates
But Terry was scared of the ocean blue
Because of Leopard Seals and the Killer Whales too
And whenever he reached the deep blue sea
He was scared he’d become someone’s tea
So Terry decided to do something about it
Something that may be considered quite drastic
He called Greenpeace and told him his worry
That he was concerned he’d become someone’s curry
Greenpeace were baffled as they like all creatures
But they came anyway to broaden Terry’s features
For this was all part of Terry’s big plan
Because with Greenpeace followed the boys from Japan
And to his delight they harpooned all the whales
Who had eaten his mates as soon as they’d sailed
They also frightened off the Leopard Seals too
Who were scared that they also may be harpooned
And the Japanese finished and they went
And Greenpeace pursued with their hippy intent
This meant the ocean for Terry was now free
For his mates to join him, having fun in the sea
This was just something I knocked together cos I wanted to cheer myself up a bit. I like it anyway - which is good, you know, what with it being for me and everything! :o)
Room 101 - Jeremy Kyle
(Originally Posted 16th March 08)
What an odious, patronising little man he is. Really I know that all I need do is write his name and that'd be enough but I'm going to justify his inclusion anyway.
The main reason I petition for the smarmy, smug, snidey supertwat to go in is because his show basically consists of fine members of the British public (who surely represent a good cross section of society) being asked roughly five questions. Obviously these questions are then refashioned roughly 1000 times.
Then there is his delivery. The way he asks his questions in such a "I'm way smarter than you, I'm ace, behold me for I am Jeremy Kyle" manner is really annoying.
I remember watching a show once where there was this woman on who, it would seem, was not the most mentally gifted of people. (I should note here it was 4am, I couldn't sleep and there was NOTHING on to watch not even some cop show or Judge Judy or something)
Basically she liked a good drink but when she got drunk she was a bit of a tit. Kyle completely bombarded her telling her she was an alcoholic and that she needed to admit she had a problem. Eventually she was patronised into saying she was an alcoholic. I
can see it now at her first AA meeting, my name's Tracy and Jeremy Kyle says I'm an alcoholic!
The point I am making using the above anecdote is that if someone IS an alcoholic, and she may well have been, you can't just humiliate them into saying it. They need to believe it and want to do something about it.
In conclusion he is a supertwat and in he goes!
A friend recently told me that she had been to watch the Jeremy Kyle show live. I responded in the following manner "When you went to see the aforementioned Mr. Kyle were you able to resist the temptation to say Oi! Kyle. Shut up you nobber!"
Apparently she was.
Quite how, I'll never know. Jeremy Kyle for Room 101!
What an odious, patronising little man he is. Really I know that all I need do is write his name and that'd be enough but I'm going to justify his inclusion anyway.
The main reason I petition for the smarmy, smug, snidey supertwat to go in is because his show basically consists of fine members of the British public (who surely represent a good cross section of society) being asked roughly five questions. Obviously these questions are then refashioned roughly 1000 times.
Then there is his delivery. The way he asks his questions in such a "I'm way smarter than you, I'm ace, behold me for I am Jeremy Kyle" manner is really annoying.
I remember watching a show once where there was this woman on who, it would seem, was not the most mentally gifted of people. (I should note here it was 4am, I couldn't sleep and there was NOTHING on to watch not even some cop show or Judge Judy or something)
Basically she liked a good drink but when she got drunk she was a bit of a tit. Kyle completely bombarded her telling her she was an alcoholic and that she needed to admit she had a problem. Eventually she was patronised into saying she was an alcoholic. I
can see it now at her first AA meeting, my name's Tracy and Jeremy Kyle says I'm an alcoholic!
The point I am making using the above anecdote is that if someone IS an alcoholic, and she may well have been, you can't just humiliate them into saying it. They need to believe it and want to do something about it.
In conclusion he is a supertwat and in he goes!
A friend recently told me that she had been to watch the Jeremy Kyle show live. I responded in the following manner "When you went to see the aforementioned Mr. Kyle were you able to resist the temptation to say Oi! Kyle. Shut up you nobber!"
Apparently she was.
Quite how, I'll never know. Jeremy Kyle for Room 101!
An Alternative Ditty For The New Halifax Man
(originally Posted 22nd Jan 08)
Bear in mind I wrote this in literally one minute, it's equally as crap as the Halifax one and written to the same tune - but the ad came on again during the footy ads and it just came to me:
Woke up this morning feeling mad
Cos I was woken, by your adI
t's for the Hal-i-faxxxxx
And it is quite sad,
Oh yeah
Something tells me I want to kick your ass
Something tells me I want to kick your...
It'd only take, a minute or two
Then I could watch tv,
the whole day through
Without seeing an annoying twat
Who happens to work, for Halifaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Bear in mind I wrote this in literally one minute, it's equally as crap as the Halifax one and written to the same tune - but the ad came on again during the footy ads and it just came to me:
Woke up this morning feeling mad
Cos I was woken, by your adI
t's for the Hal-i-faxxxxx
And it is quite sad,
Oh yeah
Something tells me I want to kick your ass
Something tells me I want to kick your...
It'd only take, a minute or two
Then I could watch tv,
the whole day through
Without seeing an annoying twat
Who happens to work, for Halifaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Room 101 - The Halifax Adverts
(Originally Posted 16th Jan 08)
Good God! *taps on floor* ok, ok, I submit – where do I sign? Anything to make it stop, won’t you please make it stop?
I was never a fan of the initial campaign with that Howard bloke – it used to be better when there were a load of folk who would all just run together and form a big X and the slogan was something like the xtra something or other – which I’m sure you will agree was a very catchy slogan…
But then they decided to stop utilising Howard and from that moment on they became totally unbearable. First came that woman ripping off Aretha with her “why don’t you think, about your current account today?”
I’ll tell you why not – because I’ve got far more interesting things to do like watch telly without my viewing pleasure being spoiled by some stupid wench singing shit lyrics to a good song. And other things such as nailing my balls to a plank of wood using a sledgehammer and rusty nails, whilst simultaneously dunking my head into a tank full of piranha fish with numerous slabs of meat stuck to my face. That’s why not you stupid cow.
And then, in the past couple of weeks has come a rip off of Herman’s Hermits’ ‘Into Something Good’. Thankfully I’ve only been subjected to this dirge a couple of times, but the dude they are using to ruin this song is so thoroughly twattable I have to change the channel when he comes on.
Yeah I really want to bank with an organisation that employs such smug looking twats like him as you are clearly great judges of people and thus one can conclude a great judge of how best to serve my finance needs.
The Halifax Adverts for Room 101!
Good God! *taps on floor* ok, ok, I submit – where do I sign? Anything to make it stop, won’t you please make it stop?
I was never a fan of the initial campaign with that Howard bloke – it used to be better when there were a load of folk who would all just run together and form a big X and the slogan was something like the xtra something or other – which I’m sure you will agree was a very catchy slogan…
But then they decided to stop utilising Howard and from that moment on they became totally unbearable. First came that woman ripping off Aretha with her “why don’t you think, about your current account today?”
I’ll tell you why not – because I’ve got far more interesting things to do like watch telly without my viewing pleasure being spoiled by some stupid wench singing shit lyrics to a good song. And other things such as nailing my balls to a plank of wood using a sledgehammer and rusty nails, whilst simultaneously dunking my head into a tank full of piranha fish with numerous slabs of meat stuck to my face. That’s why not you stupid cow.
And then, in the past couple of weeks has come a rip off of Herman’s Hermits’ ‘Into Something Good’. Thankfully I’ve only been subjected to this dirge a couple of times, but the dude they are using to ruin this song is so thoroughly twattable I have to change the channel when he comes on.
Yeah I really want to bank with an organisation that employs such smug looking twats like him as you are clearly great judges of people and thus one can conclude a great judge of how best to serve my finance needs.
The Halifax Adverts for Room 101!
That's Another Miami Dolphins...
(Originally Posted 6th Nov 07)
As you may or may not care / know, I’ve been off gallivanting somewhat these past couple of weekends, the most recent of which I shall blog about later.
The first one, some two weeks ago now, encompassed my long overdue trip down to Leatherhead (in Surrey) to visit good friend Matthew Jones which would also include a long awaited trip to watch my first ever live NFL game at Wembley stadium.
I’d had my train tickets secured for approximately ten weeks before my journey and was assured of seat 20 in carriage D on the Virgin trains service to London Euston. So you can imagine that I was less than enthused to discover that when the train pulled into Chester that there was a carriage A,B, C and…..F. Apparently they’d oversubscribed the train and so elongated carriage C by a further two carriages and as some very camp fat man told us with D section tickets – “This is carriage C, there are no reserved seats on carriage C” – Yeah? So where is carriage D then dickhead!
I was so angry I was all ready planning my letter of disgust whilst sprinting back up the train trying find a nook or cranny in the now full boarding sections that I could squeeze onto. Luckily, I literally just managed to squeeze on (carriage B for those keeping tabs!) and so the disgruntled murmurs of unsatisfied passengers began.
The train was scheduled to stop at Crewe and we had an announcement from the train driver saying that there was a train waiting for those passengers without seats to get onto there. An announcement to say “Sorry, we’re a bunch of cocks and sold more tickets than there are seats, we feel a bit twattish now” may have been more welcome, but somewhat surprisingly, no such announcement of that nature was forthcoming…
I decided that I wouldn’t risk changing at Crewe as I only had myself to look after and would take a chance on there being a spare seat once the passengers at Crewe had got off. So the doors closed and there was me and one other passenger left in the bit by the doors. I had a quick scout to see if there were any nearby seating opportunities but alas my plan would be thwarted and so me and my fellow passenger would be destined to sit on the floor, each by a door for the journey down - at least we had window seats!
Anyway, I got talking to my fellow passenger and had the most enjoyable train journey I’ve ever had – if a little uncomfortable, though my bum always goes numb on long train journeys anyway! In the end we decided that she was travelling third class and me fourth – cos she had a plug socket her side and I had the toilet on mine (and no plug socket).
So, finally we get to Euston. Worst part over or so I think! After queuing for a ticket and asking for a single to Leatherhead (it was where I was going after all) I departed my new found friend and headed for the tube. Couldn’t get through those ticket machines at the tube and so went over to this dude on a gate who let me through. When I subsequently got to Vauxhall (where I need to change to get aboard my Leatherhead train, I know, boring, keep with me!) I encountered the same problem.
Approaching a member of staff I explained my predicament – she looked at my ticket and then said to me accusingly “THIS isn’t a tube ticket – you need a tube ticket” Terrified that I was being thought of as some sort of criminal I protested my innocence and explained that I had asked at Euston for a ticket to Leatherhead. “You will have buy a tube ticket to get off here” the scary stern woman proceeded to tell me.
I was then pointed in the vague direction of this kiosk thing whereby a wonky eyed, large and intimidating eastern European woman appeared. Once again explaining my quandry to this lady she looked at my ticket and again said accusingly “THIS is not a tube ticket”. I explained that I was now aware of this and wished to secure my departure from this station by paying for the oft mentioned but deviously difficult to attain tube ticket. “You’ll have to pay FOUR pounds to get off here” she said to me, as if she were asking me for a grand! “Ok” I said and promptly paid her the money. Looking a little deflated she wandered off with my money and gave me the precious tube ticket. I swear it was like they were protecting the Holy Grail!
Bloody hell – all that typing and I haven’t even had a beer on this weekend away yet! Don’t worry though, when I get the bits relating to drinking that’s when the memory loss kicks in!
Thankfully my final train journey of the day passed without incident though I was convinced I’d wind up being mugged or something. Or should that be me mugging someone? I can’t remember whether I’m a criminal or not now!So I arrived at Leatherhead at about half three where I was met by Matt. We sauntered off to the pub and proceeded to consume vast quantities of alcohol. Some time later, some of Matt’s friends had the dubious pleasure of meeting me, most for the first time apart from Nick who all ready knew me. Still a good night was had by all (I think, probably, well maybe) and I had a very enjoyable time in their company though that feeling may or may not be reciprocated (I was a tad inebriated). At one juncture we went for a curry, I had a chicken tikka rogan josh and it was bloody lovely (though much scorn was sent my way from Mr. Jones for removing all the tomatoes).
Saturday was spent in a state of hungoverness, playing Madden 08 on Matt’s xbox and eating diet busting fatty foodstuffs (I had a fry up AND a pizza!). In Madden we created the mighty Cheddar City Cheesy Poofs and took them to a very impressive 8-0 record – star receiver D. London scoring a lot of our touchdowns (I still maintain we should have traded our running back Matt!).
Sunday was the day of the game and after another fry up and a bit of dawdling we were ready for the off. After safely securing a tube ticket we ventured off to find our hotel which was located somewhere on The Strand. After finding said hotel, we dumped our stuff and headed off for the game.
Got to Wembley and I’m pleased to report the view from the moment you arrive at Wembley Park’s doors up Wembley way and towards the stadium is still as great as it once was.
Right I’ll cut this short now as I appreciated I have waffled on somewhat. The game was great, the pre match was a bit rubbish but was just pleased to be there. Wembley stadium itself is brilliant and I can’t wait to go back. The atmosphere was fairly good considering a majority of the crowd didn’t support the Giants or The Dolphins – the title of this entry is because when Miami would get a first down the Dolphins' announcer would say “That’s another Miami Dolphins…” and the fans yelled “FIRST DOWN” – I appreciate it doesn’t sound that good on paper but it worked really well and was fun to participate in.
After the game (I know, I’m still going!) my team the 49ers were on on Sky and so we ventured back to our hotel to see if any nearby pubs were showing the game. Apparently not. So we started to wander off looking for a bar I head read about called Cheers bar which apparently is an American themed bar and so the logic said – would be showing American sports. I vaguely remember traipsing over Trafalgar square which I didn’t even notice I was doing until Matt pointed it out - I recall responding with an ‘oh’. ‘Oh’ obviously meaning, I don’t give a toss – where’s the pub?
We didn’t find Cheers because we stumbled upon the Sports Café by accident and as soon as we saw they were showing not one but 3 games we were never going to leave. As we arrived the 49ers were just going 24-0 down (turns out we suck this year, again, for the 5th straight year) and so I was instantly regretting being in a pub full of American football fans sporting a 49ers jersey. Luckily for me I got chatting to some Washington Redskins fans whose team were also on the telly and lost 52 – 7. Much joviality was taken from cheering for each others’ teams of losers!
So a really good night was had and Me and Matt eventually left the Sports Café at about 2am (it was still open, showing the Boston Red Sox) both, a little worse for wear and both of us starving hungry as we had neglected to pay astronomical prices for crap food at Wembley. Instead we paid cheap prices for crap food at McDonalds. I remember being distinctly impressed that it was now 2am on a Monday morning and here I was getting a Maccy D’s - when you can’t get a kebab past half eleven in Ruthin, it is a marvellous thing!
So back to the hotel, ate my McDonalds (2 double cheeseburgers and a large fries, starvation + alcohol + McDonalds = pigout!) and continued to watch the Red Sox game. As a Red Sox fan I was gutted to have fallen asleep in the 7th inning as the Red Sox won the game and the World Series and I missed it again like I did in 2004! :o(
Monday saw a frustrating early rise and then on the tube back to Euston (again ensuring the relevant purchase of appropriate tube ticket). I had over an hour to wait for my train and so I continued to waste money on stuff I didn’t need. First of all I bought a CD and then I bought myself a cheese and ham baguette from the Upper Crust. Previous experience of cheese and ham baguettes from the aforementioned establishment have always been enjoyable as, as advertised said baguettes contained exclusively cheese and ham. However, they appear to have gone the misleading ways of other pre packed sandwich based manufacturers and have snuck mayo on them as well. So you can imagine my disappointment when biting into my £3.49 baguette my mouth was overrun with the taste of mayo – yuck!
And that was my trip dawn sarf! Really enjoyed it, t’was good to see Matt and nice to meet new people and see Nick again too. I even got new facebook friends out of it – huzzah!
As you may or may not care / know, I’ve been off gallivanting somewhat these past couple of weekends, the most recent of which I shall blog about later.
The first one, some two weeks ago now, encompassed my long overdue trip down to Leatherhead (in Surrey) to visit good friend Matthew Jones which would also include a long awaited trip to watch my first ever live NFL game at Wembley stadium.
I’d had my train tickets secured for approximately ten weeks before my journey and was assured of seat 20 in carriage D on the Virgin trains service to London Euston. So you can imagine that I was less than enthused to discover that when the train pulled into Chester that there was a carriage A,B, C and…..F. Apparently they’d oversubscribed the train and so elongated carriage C by a further two carriages and as some very camp fat man told us with D section tickets – “This is carriage C, there are no reserved seats on carriage C” – Yeah? So where is carriage D then dickhead!
I was so angry I was all ready planning my letter of disgust whilst sprinting back up the train trying find a nook or cranny in the now full boarding sections that I could squeeze onto. Luckily, I literally just managed to squeeze on (carriage B for those keeping tabs!) and so the disgruntled murmurs of unsatisfied passengers began.
The train was scheduled to stop at Crewe and we had an announcement from the train driver saying that there was a train waiting for those passengers without seats to get onto there. An announcement to say “Sorry, we’re a bunch of cocks and sold more tickets than there are seats, we feel a bit twattish now” may have been more welcome, but somewhat surprisingly, no such announcement of that nature was forthcoming…
I decided that I wouldn’t risk changing at Crewe as I only had myself to look after and would take a chance on there being a spare seat once the passengers at Crewe had got off. So the doors closed and there was me and one other passenger left in the bit by the doors. I had a quick scout to see if there were any nearby seating opportunities but alas my plan would be thwarted and so me and my fellow passenger would be destined to sit on the floor, each by a door for the journey down - at least we had window seats!
Anyway, I got talking to my fellow passenger and had the most enjoyable train journey I’ve ever had – if a little uncomfortable, though my bum always goes numb on long train journeys anyway! In the end we decided that she was travelling third class and me fourth – cos she had a plug socket her side and I had the toilet on mine (and no plug socket).
So, finally we get to Euston. Worst part over or so I think! After queuing for a ticket and asking for a single to Leatherhead (it was where I was going after all) I departed my new found friend and headed for the tube. Couldn’t get through those ticket machines at the tube and so went over to this dude on a gate who let me through. When I subsequently got to Vauxhall (where I need to change to get aboard my Leatherhead train, I know, boring, keep with me!) I encountered the same problem.
Approaching a member of staff I explained my predicament – she looked at my ticket and then said to me accusingly “THIS isn’t a tube ticket – you need a tube ticket” Terrified that I was being thought of as some sort of criminal I protested my innocence and explained that I had asked at Euston for a ticket to Leatherhead. “You will have buy a tube ticket to get off here” the scary stern woman proceeded to tell me.
I was then pointed in the vague direction of this kiosk thing whereby a wonky eyed, large and intimidating eastern European woman appeared. Once again explaining my quandry to this lady she looked at my ticket and again said accusingly “THIS is not a tube ticket”. I explained that I was now aware of this and wished to secure my departure from this station by paying for the oft mentioned but deviously difficult to attain tube ticket. “You’ll have to pay FOUR pounds to get off here” she said to me, as if she were asking me for a grand! “Ok” I said and promptly paid her the money. Looking a little deflated she wandered off with my money and gave me the precious tube ticket. I swear it was like they were protecting the Holy Grail!
Bloody hell – all that typing and I haven’t even had a beer on this weekend away yet! Don’t worry though, when I get the bits relating to drinking that’s when the memory loss kicks in!
Thankfully my final train journey of the day passed without incident though I was convinced I’d wind up being mugged or something. Or should that be me mugging someone? I can’t remember whether I’m a criminal or not now!So I arrived at Leatherhead at about half three where I was met by Matt. We sauntered off to the pub and proceeded to consume vast quantities of alcohol. Some time later, some of Matt’s friends had the dubious pleasure of meeting me, most for the first time apart from Nick who all ready knew me. Still a good night was had by all (I think, probably, well maybe) and I had a very enjoyable time in their company though that feeling may or may not be reciprocated (I was a tad inebriated). At one juncture we went for a curry, I had a chicken tikka rogan josh and it was bloody lovely (though much scorn was sent my way from Mr. Jones for removing all the tomatoes).
Saturday was spent in a state of hungoverness, playing Madden 08 on Matt’s xbox and eating diet busting fatty foodstuffs (I had a fry up AND a pizza!). In Madden we created the mighty Cheddar City Cheesy Poofs and took them to a very impressive 8-0 record – star receiver D. London scoring a lot of our touchdowns (I still maintain we should have traded our running back Matt!).
Sunday was the day of the game and after another fry up and a bit of dawdling we were ready for the off. After safely securing a tube ticket we ventured off to find our hotel which was located somewhere on The Strand. After finding said hotel, we dumped our stuff and headed off for the game.
Got to Wembley and I’m pleased to report the view from the moment you arrive at Wembley Park’s doors up Wembley way and towards the stadium is still as great as it once was.
Right I’ll cut this short now as I appreciated I have waffled on somewhat. The game was great, the pre match was a bit rubbish but was just pleased to be there. Wembley stadium itself is brilliant and I can’t wait to go back. The atmosphere was fairly good considering a majority of the crowd didn’t support the Giants or The Dolphins – the title of this entry is because when Miami would get a first down the Dolphins' announcer would say “That’s another Miami Dolphins…” and the fans yelled “FIRST DOWN” – I appreciate it doesn’t sound that good on paper but it worked really well and was fun to participate in.
After the game (I know, I’m still going!) my team the 49ers were on on Sky and so we ventured back to our hotel to see if any nearby pubs were showing the game. Apparently not. So we started to wander off looking for a bar I head read about called Cheers bar which apparently is an American themed bar and so the logic said – would be showing American sports. I vaguely remember traipsing over Trafalgar square which I didn’t even notice I was doing until Matt pointed it out - I recall responding with an ‘oh’. ‘Oh’ obviously meaning, I don’t give a toss – where’s the pub?
We didn’t find Cheers because we stumbled upon the Sports Café by accident and as soon as we saw they were showing not one but 3 games we were never going to leave. As we arrived the 49ers were just going 24-0 down (turns out we suck this year, again, for the 5th straight year) and so I was instantly regretting being in a pub full of American football fans sporting a 49ers jersey. Luckily for me I got chatting to some Washington Redskins fans whose team were also on the telly and lost 52 – 7. Much joviality was taken from cheering for each others’ teams of losers!
So a really good night was had and Me and Matt eventually left the Sports Café at about 2am (it was still open, showing the Boston Red Sox) both, a little worse for wear and both of us starving hungry as we had neglected to pay astronomical prices for crap food at Wembley. Instead we paid cheap prices for crap food at McDonalds. I remember being distinctly impressed that it was now 2am on a Monday morning and here I was getting a Maccy D’s - when you can’t get a kebab past half eleven in Ruthin, it is a marvellous thing!
So back to the hotel, ate my McDonalds (2 double cheeseburgers and a large fries, starvation + alcohol + McDonalds = pigout!) and continued to watch the Red Sox game. As a Red Sox fan I was gutted to have fallen asleep in the 7th inning as the Red Sox won the game and the World Series and I missed it again like I did in 2004! :o(
Monday saw a frustrating early rise and then on the tube back to Euston (again ensuring the relevant purchase of appropriate tube ticket). I had over an hour to wait for my train and so I continued to waste money on stuff I didn’t need. First of all I bought a CD and then I bought myself a cheese and ham baguette from the Upper Crust. Previous experience of cheese and ham baguettes from the aforementioned establishment have always been enjoyable as, as advertised said baguettes contained exclusively cheese and ham. However, they appear to have gone the misleading ways of other pre packed sandwich based manufacturers and have snuck mayo on them as well. So you can imagine my disappointment when biting into my £3.49 baguette my mouth was overrun with the taste of mayo – yuck!
And that was my trip dawn sarf! Really enjoyed it, t’was good to see Matt and nice to meet new people and see Nick again too. I even got new facebook friends out of it – huzzah!
Ah Ah Ah Ah, Staying Awake, Staying Awake
(Originally Posted 12th Sept 07)
On Friday, I posted on here about my concerns for staying awake Monday night / Tuesday morning as my team, the San Francisco 49ers were due to kick off at 3:15am.
So, I considered Matt J's somewhat radical idea for staying awake but in the end discarded his dismembering suggestion as I would then have nothing to use to turn the channel over quick enough when Vorderman comes on trying to sell me a loan…
In the end I decided to try and effectively live in a different time zone for one day (US Eastern for anyone that cares!). I completed the hard task first and displayed super human strength is staying in bed until 3pm (UK) and tried to trick my body by having lunch for tea and my tea at around midnight (regular readers may not be surprised to learn that my tea was Ravioli and a Bolognese sauce…mmmmm!)
All the while throughout the day I plied myself with caffeine products, namely coffee and a few cans of red bull – though not at the same time, obviously.
And it worked. Though I’ve got to say that there were times I was sat there thinking that I wish it hadn’t. At 5:52am (UK) Sky’s pundit Nick Halling said “I think this is the second worse game we’ve ever shown”.
My mood was somewhat worsened when some time after that and approaching the end of the game, Arizona (the 49ers opponent) went 17-13 ahead meaning that we would need a touchdown to win. It’s fair to say I was ever so slightly miffed.
Then all of a sudden, at 6:40am(ish) and 2mins and 58 seconds remaining of the game the niners came to life, went 85 yards down the field and scored the winning touchdown with 22 seconds remaining. Huzzah!
I think the next time I might just ensure I have sky + and use that.
On Friday, I posted on here about my concerns for staying awake Monday night / Tuesday morning as my team, the San Francisco 49ers were due to kick off at 3:15am.
So, I considered Matt J's somewhat radical idea for staying awake but in the end discarded his dismembering suggestion as I would then have nothing to use to turn the channel over quick enough when Vorderman comes on trying to sell me a loan…
In the end I decided to try and effectively live in a different time zone for one day (US Eastern for anyone that cares!). I completed the hard task first and displayed super human strength is staying in bed until 3pm (UK) and tried to trick my body by having lunch for tea and my tea at around midnight (regular readers may not be surprised to learn that my tea was Ravioli and a Bolognese sauce…mmmmm!)
All the while throughout the day I plied myself with caffeine products, namely coffee and a few cans of red bull – though not at the same time, obviously.
And it worked. Though I’ve got to say that there were times I was sat there thinking that I wish it hadn’t. At 5:52am (UK) Sky’s pundit Nick Halling said “I think this is the second worse game we’ve ever shown”.
My mood was somewhat worsened when some time after that and approaching the end of the game, Arizona (the 49ers opponent) went 17-13 ahead meaning that we would need a touchdown to win. It’s fair to say I was ever so slightly miffed.
Then all of a sudden, at 6:40am(ish) and 2mins and 58 seconds remaining of the game the niners came to life, went 85 yards down the field and scored the winning touchdown with 22 seconds remaining. Huzzah!
I think the next time I might just ensure I have sky + and use that.
Moderation
(Originally Posted 26th Aug 07)
After the shenanigans of yesterday (Saints won the cup, Pedr decided to enter the World Lager Drinking Championship) I think there might just be something in that drinking in moderation malarkey after all.
And I'm sure my friends down at the WLDC would find much amusement in my drunken dancing - it seems the fact I could barely walk meant nothing to me as I attempted some form of 'dance' in the back yard of the local. When I say dance I of course most definitely mean staggering around really drunkily but quicker.
But I was in a celebratory mood you see and so at the time I thought this made everything ok. Anyway, I think I had a good day, I probably did!
I do pity poor the girlfriend of my mate I was with though who, owing to her very pregnant status was completely sober and had to put up with not just her boyfriend (a fellow Saints fan) being somewhat hammered but me as well! The poor dear.
I'm sure you'll all be pleased to hear that my drunken cooking of pasta products continued and when I got in I made myself pasta shells with some tomato and basil sauce. It was probably really nice too.
After the shenanigans of yesterday (Saints won the cup, Pedr decided to enter the World Lager Drinking Championship) I think there might just be something in that drinking in moderation malarkey after all.
And I'm sure my friends down at the WLDC would find much amusement in my drunken dancing - it seems the fact I could barely walk meant nothing to me as I attempted some form of 'dance' in the back yard of the local. When I say dance I of course most definitely mean staggering around really drunkily but quicker.
But I was in a celebratory mood you see and so at the time I thought this made everything ok. Anyway, I think I had a good day, I probably did!
I do pity poor the girlfriend of my mate I was with though who, owing to her very pregnant status was completely sober and had to put up with not just her boyfriend (a fellow Saints fan) being somewhat hammered but me as well! The poor dear.
I'm sure you'll all be pleased to hear that my drunken cooking of pasta products continued and when I got in I made myself pasta shells with some tomato and basil sauce. It was probably really nice too.
Dear Brain
(originally Posted 30th June 07)
Dear Brain,
I am writing to you today as it appears thou may be a little annoyed with me. I believe this to be the case because last night, after abusing your great self with alcohol, you appeared to lack any interest in aiding me in my basic cognitive movements.
This breakdown in communication between brain and body led to a very wobbly Pedr asking a very dear friend if he could take advantage of his lodgings and stay the night. Sadly, much like the poor virgin Mary and her husband Joseph, there was no room at the inn and we begrudgingly had to co-operate on a very minimalistic basis to get ourselves to safe dwellings.
And much like other rowing couples, you would think that the morning after, it'd all be forgotten and we'd make up - but no! You bastion of demonity, you get in yet another retaliatory attack by waking me before the hour of midday has passed. What kind of monster are you?
For my part in this disagreement I would very much like to apologise and look forward to working with you again on future projects.
Yours lovingly,
Pedr.
Dear Brain,
I am writing to you today as it appears thou may be a little annoyed with me. I believe this to be the case because last night, after abusing your great self with alcohol, you appeared to lack any interest in aiding me in my basic cognitive movements.
This breakdown in communication between brain and body led to a very wobbly Pedr asking a very dear friend if he could take advantage of his lodgings and stay the night. Sadly, much like the poor virgin Mary and her husband Joseph, there was no room at the inn and we begrudgingly had to co-operate on a very minimalistic basis to get ourselves to safe dwellings.
And much like other rowing couples, you would think that the morning after, it'd all be forgotten and we'd make up - but no! You bastion of demonity, you get in yet another retaliatory attack by waking me before the hour of midday has passed. What kind of monster are you?
For my part in this disagreement I would very much like to apologise and look forward to working with you again on future projects.
Yours lovingly,
Pedr.
Dreams
(Originally Posted 28th June 07)
Discussing that last story makes me think about other dreams that I have had and one in particular. I think it is probably my favourite dream of all time, I had it a few times many years ago. And yes, although you may find it hard to believe, my favourite dream does not include any naked women whatsoever – no humans at all come to that (apart from myself).
So the story goes that I’m just driving along on my own in my car (I don’t drive or own a car) along the Menai Straits, I’m driving from south to north on the right hand side of the road. Anyway, there I am driving along (bloody brilliantly too might I add – take that you driving test examiner bitches!) when I notice a big splash out of my window about level to my right shoulder in the river.
I just see the tail of this animal diving back into the water and I’m left in a state of disbelief thinking, what was that? So I carry on driving and pretty quickly again another splash, again about level with my shoulder. This time I see it a bit more clearly but I’m still disbelieving thinking I didn’t just see that, did I?
So my focus is now part on the road and part on the river alongside me (examiner bitches strike back - Fail again!). Then I see it clearly. A killer whale jumping up the river, seemingly swimming alongside my car. At this point I’m thinking this is totally amazing and carry on driving hoping to catch another glimpse. And I do. Then I see another one and another. Eventually it ends up with about a hundred killer whales all swimming up the Menai with me in total awe, driving alongside.
This dream ends when I come to the end of the straight road and it twists inland. I feel all frustrated that I can’t follow the pod any longer and I just watch them continue as they disappear up the Menai and I just feel a little sad, cos I know I’ll never see it ever again.
Then I wake up. And every time I had this dream, the feeling of inner peace when I awoke was nothing like anything I’ve ever had, it’s just a sensational feeling.
Top dream – certainly better than the first time I ever had the heart attack dream anyway – that’s a horrific dream. I’ve had that a lot more than the killer whale dream sadly.
In this dream I’m in bed (in my dream) and then I just have this massive heart attack, my last thought is “No, not like this” then I slump to my right and it all goes black for about five seconds and then I wake up – bloody terrifying that was the first time!
On the plus side, if I do meet my maker via the medium of massive heart attack, I’m going to think I’m dreaming and therefore in no fear that I’m actually dying, despite the fact that I will be! :)
Discussing that last story makes me think about other dreams that I have had and one in particular. I think it is probably my favourite dream of all time, I had it a few times many years ago. And yes, although you may find it hard to believe, my favourite dream does not include any naked women whatsoever – no humans at all come to that (apart from myself).
So the story goes that I’m just driving along on my own in my car (I don’t drive or own a car) along the Menai Straits, I’m driving from south to north on the right hand side of the road. Anyway, there I am driving along (bloody brilliantly too might I add – take that you driving test examiner bitches!) when I notice a big splash out of my window about level to my right shoulder in the river.
I just see the tail of this animal diving back into the water and I’m left in a state of disbelief thinking, what was that? So I carry on driving and pretty quickly again another splash, again about level with my shoulder. This time I see it a bit more clearly but I’m still disbelieving thinking I didn’t just see that, did I?
So my focus is now part on the road and part on the river alongside me (examiner bitches strike back - Fail again!). Then I see it clearly. A killer whale jumping up the river, seemingly swimming alongside my car. At this point I’m thinking this is totally amazing and carry on driving hoping to catch another glimpse. And I do. Then I see another one and another. Eventually it ends up with about a hundred killer whales all swimming up the Menai with me in total awe, driving alongside.
This dream ends when I come to the end of the straight road and it twists inland. I feel all frustrated that I can’t follow the pod any longer and I just watch them continue as they disappear up the Menai and I just feel a little sad, cos I know I’ll never see it ever again.
Then I wake up. And every time I had this dream, the feeling of inner peace when I awoke was nothing like anything I’ve ever had, it’s just a sensational feeling.
Top dream – certainly better than the first time I ever had the heart attack dream anyway – that’s a horrific dream. I’ve had that a lot more than the killer whale dream sadly.
In this dream I’m in bed (in my dream) and then I just have this massive heart attack, my last thought is “No, not like this” then I slump to my right and it all goes black for about five seconds and then I wake up – bloody terrifying that was the first time!
On the plus side, if I do meet my maker via the medium of massive heart attack, I’m going to think I’m dreaming and therefore in no fear that I’m actually dying, despite the fact that I will be! :)
Last night I Almost Killed...
(Originally Posted 28th June 07)
The Fonz! (From once popular television show 'Happy Days')
Well, not really the Fonz, more his elder incarnation – the bloke that was the loser coach in waterboy until the end of the film.
I feel guilty for falling out with him, as the Fonz is kind of a childhood hero, I like his laid-back “ayyyyyyyy” attitude and the way the chicks dig his funky self :)
Anyway, I was walking back over town from the Star and I got to the square where I encountered old Fonz trying to sell VHS videos of something or other to do with him for £70 a video. Not having any money to buy a video from the man, I just smiled politely and continued on with my journey. That was until I heard him muttering some expletives and calling me cheap.
Upon hearing the word cheap I about turned, grabbed him by his throat and threw him to the floor. I then proceeded to continue strangling the Fonz as he lay prone on the road yelling at him about he had no idea how poor I was and how much nerve he had to call me cheap. I do believe at this stage I admonished him for letting the Fonz become him.
Then a rotund American 14 year old girl drove past in her car and yelled at me, calling me some such name or other and I told her where to go and told her to come and find out why I was strangling Fonzy.
She duly parked up and came over, I then yelled at her that she didn’t know how all this started and that I wasn’t to blame and invited her to go find the nearest McDonald’s or some such insult. After a few more exchanges, off she went.
All the time I was still strangling the Fonz – it’s a wonder he didn’t die or pass out or something. Anyway, he said sorry and I let him go. We then proceeded to have a good chat about random stuff and somehow we ended up picking up my nephew from school. We turned out to be good mates – which pleases me – as being mates with the Fonz is cool :)
Of course, what I have just described is a dream I had last night – and guess what I ate just before I turned in for the night – cheese. So there you go folks, cheese gives you nightmares but then ends up making you mates with a childhood idol. Go cheese!
The Fonz! (From once popular television show 'Happy Days')
Well, not really the Fonz, more his elder incarnation – the bloke that was the loser coach in waterboy until the end of the film.
I feel guilty for falling out with him, as the Fonz is kind of a childhood hero, I like his laid-back “ayyyyyyyy” attitude and the way the chicks dig his funky self :)
Anyway, I was walking back over town from the Star and I got to the square where I encountered old Fonz trying to sell VHS videos of something or other to do with him for £70 a video. Not having any money to buy a video from the man, I just smiled politely and continued on with my journey. That was until I heard him muttering some expletives and calling me cheap.
Upon hearing the word cheap I about turned, grabbed him by his throat and threw him to the floor. I then proceeded to continue strangling the Fonz as he lay prone on the road yelling at him about he had no idea how poor I was and how much nerve he had to call me cheap. I do believe at this stage I admonished him for letting the Fonz become him.
Then a rotund American 14 year old girl drove past in her car and yelled at me, calling me some such name or other and I told her where to go and told her to come and find out why I was strangling Fonzy.
She duly parked up and came over, I then yelled at her that she didn’t know how all this started and that I wasn’t to blame and invited her to go find the nearest McDonald’s or some such insult. After a few more exchanges, off she went.
All the time I was still strangling the Fonz – it’s a wonder he didn’t die or pass out or something. Anyway, he said sorry and I let him go. We then proceeded to have a good chat about random stuff and somehow we ended up picking up my nephew from school. We turned out to be good mates – which pleases me – as being mates with the Fonz is cool :)
Of course, what I have just described is a dream I had last night – and guess what I ate just before I turned in for the night – cheese. So there you go folks, cheese gives you nightmares but then ends up making you mates with a childhood idol. Go cheese!
A Confession
(Originally Posted 18th June 07)
It's not really my fault that I did what I did. When something is drummed into you from a very early age it becomes a learned behaviour and as such is something that can be forgiven, if not quickly understood.
So what the hell am I talking about? What is this reprehensible deed that did doth get done?
Ok, I confess - I sang along to Jambalaya (On The Bayou) by The Carpenters last night. I'm not proud and I don't feel big or clever.
When I was growing up, we basically listened to three LP's and The Carpenters was one of them. My dad doesn't really like music and thus I had only mother's 'taste' to listen to when I was ickle. So there you go, that's how I know them. It's mother's fault - I wish all this child creulty legislation was in place when I were a lad - I've been scarred for life - and people laugh at me in the pub for knowing The Carpenters :(
On the other hand, I also got the Wombling Song (raaawks!) and Boney M, so it wasn't ALL bad!
Edit 1
And I've just realised I've been singing the wrong bloody words all this time! (Chorus) Jambalaya and a crawfish pie and fillet gumboI always thought it was corn fish - I always wondered what one of them was!
Edit 2
Oh and in case you're wondering why I would check out the lyrics to the said song - it's because it's been in my head all day and I was going to 'sing' it on here for comedy effect. Sadly I've upstaged myself now - what's a bloody Corn Fish? Silly me.
It's not really my fault that I did what I did. When something is drummed into you from a very early age it becomes a learned behaviour and as such is something that can be forgiven, if not quickly understood.
So what the hell am I talking about? What is this reprehensible deed that did doth get done?
Ok, I confess - I sang along to Jambalaya (On The Bayou) by The Carpenters last night. I'm not proud and I don't feel big or clever.
When I was growing up, we basically listened to three LP's and The Carpenters was one of them. My dad doesn't really like music and thus I had only mother's 'taste' to listen to when I was ickle. So there you go, that's how I know them. It's mother's fault - I wish all this child creulty legislation was in place when I were a lad - I've been scarred for life - and people laugh at me in the pub for knowing The Carpenters :(
On the other hand, I also got the Wombling Song (raaawks!) and Boney M, so it wasn't ALL bad!
Edit 1
And I've just realised I've been singing the wrong bloody words all this time! (Chorus) Jambalaya and a crawfish pie and fillet gumboI always thought it was corn fish - I always wondered what one of them was!
Edit 2
Oh and in case you're wondering why I would check out the lyrics to the said song - it's because it's been in my head all day and I was going to 'sing' it on here for comedy effect. Sadly I've upstaged myself now - what's a bloody Corn Fish? Silly me.
Beer
(Originally Posted 9th June 07)
Why does it have to be bad for you? Why can't my body be 50 - 65% lager? It's just not fair. And why does it have to be so god damn expensive too, resulting in my bank account getting a right royal hiding every month?
I hereby start my campaign for scientists to genetically modify human beings so that future generations of the human race do not suffer as I do now. I implore brainy science boffins everywhere to give up their projects and dedicate their lives, skills and knowledge base to invent this new and improved species of human.
Either that or will somebody please give me £20 so I can go down the pub?
Why does it have to be bad for you? Why can't my body be 50 - 65% lager? It's just not fair. And why does it have to be so god damn expensive too, resulting in my bank account getting a right royal hiding every month?
I hereby start my campaign for scientists to genetically modify human beings so that future generations of the human race do not suffer as I do now. I implore brainy science boffins everywhere to give up their projects and dedicate their lives, skills and knowledge base to invent this new and improved species of human.
Either that or will somebody please give me £20 so I can go down the pub?
Room 101 - Leopard Seals
(Originally Posted 9th June 07)
I hereby nominate leopard seals as my latest nomination for room 101. Leopard seals annoy the hell out of me. They’re not all cutesy like normal seals that play with beach balls and alike, they are big monstrosity seals that have unappealing spottage – unlike the actual land living leopard it is named after which has a much more appealing and colourful effect.
And then there is the real reason I am nominating them. Penguins. I love penguins, I find them entertaining and love the way they waddle on land and how they struggle to jump out of the sea and onto land. I especially love the way that they from time to time comically fall over, penguins just rule. Then there is all the effort penguins go to to nurture their young, taking it in turn to guard the egg / chick whilst the other one waddles the 10 miles back to the sea and then feeds up so that it can return to let the other one go and have a feed too.
And what do leopard seals do? They hang around known penguin haunts and try and feed on them. Get lost you gits. Work harder for your lunch, it’s just not right. I know a leopard seal’s argument might be, well, Killer Whales do the same thing. But at least killer whales look nice! (like fresian cows of the sea, tho not to be confused with the dugong which IS the cow of the sea, see link below) And they kill other whales too, and seals for that matter. I’m not sure if Killer Whales eat leopard seals though. I hope they do.
Anyway, leopard seals for room 101!
Dugong: http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/dugong/
I hereby nominate leopard seals as my latest nomination for room 101. Leopard seals annoy the hell out of me. They’re not all cutesy like normal seals that play with beach balls and alike, they are big monstrosity seals that have unappealing spottage – unlike the actual land living leopard it is named after which has a much more appealing and colourful effect.
And then there is the real reason I am nominating them. Penguins. I love penguins, I find them entertaining and love the way they waddle on land and how they struggle to jump out of the sea and onto land. I especially love the way that they from time to time comically fall over, penguins just rule. Then there is all the effort penguins go to to nurture their young, taking it in turn to guard the egg / chick whilst the other one waddles the 10 miles back to the sea and then feeds up so that it can return to let the other one go and have a feed too.
And what do leopard seals do? They hang around known penguin haunts and try and feed on them. Get lost you gits. Work harder for your lunch, it’s just not right. I know a leopard seal’s argument might be, well, Killer Whales do the same thing. But at least killer whales look nice! (like fresian cows of the sea, tho not to be confused with the dugong which IS the cow of the sea, see link below) And they kill other whales too, and seals for that matter. I’m not sure if Killer Whales eat leopard seals though. I hope they do.
Anyway, leopard seals for room 101!
Dugong: http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/dugong/
Giraffes On A Train - Theme Music
(Originally Posted 26th May 07)
Ok, so it's taken me a while to get round to following up my initial Giraffes On A Train post - but if you remember, it is a movie based on Mr. T. getting an orchid plant to Soft Drink Corp via the method of train. However, Mr. T. must do battle with a hoarde of hungry giraffes in order to do so.A
nyway Pete, shut up and just put the music up!
Giraffes On A Train
ThemeTo The Tune Of Jeff Beck – Hi Ho Silver Lining
They’re everywhere and nowhere baby,
That’s where they’re at,
Going down a shaky rail line
With an orchid plant
Training cross the country
And getting bashed
Saying everyone are suckas
While the giraffes attack
And it’s OH! NO!
Giraffes are coming
Up and down the train now baby
I see their necks are stalking
But they won’t get the plant
It’s too imp-or-tant
Giraffes are in your plant pots baby
They’re eating away
Any vegetation they want now
Including orchid-ry
But Frankie’s gonna get them one day
Just wait and see
He’ll kick sorry Giraffe but
tCos he IS MR. Ttttttttttttt*
And it’s OH! NO! Giraffes are coming
Up and down the train now baby
I see their necks are stalking
But they won’t get the plant
It’s too im-por-tant
Finish with inspiring guitar solo followed by chorus :o)
*say T for an elongated period of time and not numerous t’s one after the other, for that would be silly.
Ok, so it's taken me a while to get round to following up my initial Giraffes On A Train post - but if you remember, it is a movie based on Mr. T. getting an orchid plant to Soft Drink Corp via the method of train. However, Mr. T. must do battle with a hoarde of hungry giraffes in order to do so.A
nyway Pete, shut up and just put the music up!
Giraffes On A Train
ThemeTo The Tune Of Jeff Beck – Hi Ho Silver Lining
They’re everywhere and nowhere baby,
That’s where they’re at,
Going down a shaky rail line
With an orchid plant
Training cross the country
And getting bashed
Saying everyone are suckas
While the giraffes attack
And it’s OH! NO!
Giraffes are coming
Up and down the train now baby
I see their necks are stalking
But they won’t get the plant
It’s too imp-or-tant
Giraffes are in your plant pots baby
They’re eating away
Any vegetation they want now
Including orchid-ry
But Frankie’s gonna get them one day
Just wait and see
He’ll kick sorry Giraffe but
tCos he IS MR. Ttttttttttttt*
And it’s OH! NO! Giraffes are coming
Up and down the train now baby
I see their necks are stalking
But they won’t get the plant
It’s too im-por-tant
Finish with inspiring guitar solo followed by chorus :o)
*say T for an elongated period of time and not numerous t’s one after the other, for that would be silly.
Wires
(Originally Posted 21st May 07)
How come you when you leave two different sets of wires completely separate of each other in the same drawer, the next time you come to retrieve one of them they are both completely intertwined with each other?
They're alive I tells ya. Giant wires are all waiting underneath the earth to one day rise and destroy us all!
How come you when you leave two different sets of wires completely separate of each other in the same drawer, the next time you come to retrieve one of them they are both completely intertwined with each other?
They're alive I tells ya. Giant wires are all waiting underneath the earth to one day rise and destroy us all!
If I Wasn't An Admin Bloke I'd Be A...
(Originally Posted 19th May 2007)
Professional footballer.
A new series which I may or may not keep up with, I shall reveal what I used to want to be growing up - and guess what? Neither working in a pub or doing admin ever showed up on my radar, funny that, eh?
The first career I ever wanted, was to be a professional footballer. I loved football, I watched every bit of football I could on the telly and would get my folks to record Sportsnight for me and that other one on ITV that Elton Welsby presented. I even collected every footy sticker album going - why was it you never had problems completing the small clubs like Oxford (yes they were top flight when I were a lad - sponsored by Wang), Notts County (them too, tho not sponsored by Wang, they had Steve Cherry tho!) or Everton? I remember doing 10 for 1 swaps so I could get David Speedie of Liverpool or even more for that ever elusive LFC 'shiny'.
I started off as a goalkeeper, I had no fear and thought nothing of diving head first at someone's feet (that may explain my lack of academic excellence!). However, a more popular lad decided he wanted to be goalie and I was pushed out into defence. I wasn't much cop in front of goal but that didn't matter as I enjoyed tackling and getting stuck in more than scoring like you glory boy striker wannabes ;) I was quite a dirty player too, would think nothing of a sly clip of the heels after being done like a kipper, I even got away with it sometimes too, much to my 'fouled' opponent's dismay.
However it became apparent to me in 1st year of High School that I wasn't going to make it as a pro - only being selected for the B team demotivated me and I was then lost to world of professional football. Tho I would carry on playing Saturday footy up at the school, ran by Mr. Lloyd, (ages 11+) up until I was about 18 or 19, then I discovered beer and I haven't really played since.
Professional footballer.
A new series which I may or may not keep up with, I shall reveal what I used to want to be growing up - and guess what? Neither working in a pub or doing admin ever showed up on my radar, funny that, eh?
The first career I ever wanted, was to be a professional footballer. I loved football, I watched every bit of football I could on the telly and would get my folks to record Sportsnight for me and that other one on ITV that Elton Welsby presented. I even collected every footy sticker album going - why was it you never had problems completing the small clubs like Oxford (yes they were top flight when I were a lad - sponsored by Wang), Notts County (them too, tho not sponsored by Wang, they had Steve Cherry tho!) or Everton? I remember doing 10 for 1 swaps so I could get David Speedie of Liverpool or even more for that ever elusive LFC 'shiny'.
I started off as a goalkeeper, I had no fear and thought nothing of diving head first at someone's feet (that may explain my lack of academic excellence!). However, a more popular lad decided he wanted to be goalie and I was pushed out into defence. I wasn't much cop in front of goal but that didn't matter as I enjoyed tackling and getting stuck in more than scoring like you glory boy striker wannabes ;) I was quite a dirty player too, would think nothing of a sly clip of the heels after being done like a kipper, I even got away with it sometimes too, much to my 'fouled' opponent's dismay.
However it became apparent to me in 1st year of High School that I wasn't going to make it as a pro - only being selected for the B team demotivated me and I was then lost to world of professional football. Tho I would carry on playing Saturday footy up at the school, ran by Mr. Lloyd, (ages 11+) up until I was about 18 or 19, then I discovered beer and I haven't really played since.
Room 101 - Millionaires Advertising Loans
(Originally Posted 14th May 07)
In what may or may not become a regular thing for me here, just thought I'd put forward an offering for things I'd put into Room 101 if given the opportunity.
I've decided that the first thing I want stuffed firmly into room 101 is millionaires that sell loans. Loan adverts are bad enough, and I don't like them either, I particulary hate the picture it loans where they get to the point when they say how much they want to loan (usually £25,000) and then mouth it to their other half as if they weren't quite sure that's the amount they wanted in the first place! As my friend Joe correctly said during a discussion about this, "You're not ordering a f****n' pizza!" However, I do accept that people need loans and as such, am not arguing that all loan adverts be binned despite their lameness.
No, I argue that Carol Vorderman telling me how sometimes you need that little bit extra to get you through a tough patch or whatever crap she's spouting is completely wrong. How can someone who's a multi-millionaire tell me how 'we' sometimes need a bit of extra help? You've all ready got a load of dosh and now you're getting paid even more dosh to sympathise / empathise and help me pick the right loan - I think not. Oh and to you Phil 'Cheeky Chappy' Tuffnel, not it's not bloody "happy days" when I've been given a loan, one suspects that going into thousands of pounds of debt is hardly a call for mass celebrations!
Why do you need some millionaire celebrity to sell your product anyway? Why? Do you think I'm going think, well that Vorderman woman seems ever so nice on Countdown I think I'll use their company and their generous 40%* APR and not go to that other, non celebrity employing loan company and their 3.2%* offering?
And if that isn't enough for you, there's the music that they play in the background. During Vorderman's seemingly hour long make-me-want-to-puke-athon, there's a rubbish little ditty going de do do do, de do do do do do, de de do do do do do-do! Aggggggh!
Anyway. I accept there's a mute button and I accept I can change the channel and I do do that. However, if consigned to room 101 none of us would any longer have to put up with people who are all ready rich procrastinating about the need to borrow some money.
Anyway, that's it for that one.
* Figures not representative of actual figures!
In what may or may not become a regular thing for me here, just thought I'd put forward an offering for things I'd put into Room 101 if given the opportunity.
I've decided that the first thing I want stuffed firmly into room 101 is millionaires that sell loans. Loan adverts are bad enough, and I don't like them either, I particulary hate the picture it loans where they get to the point when they say how much they want to loan (usually £25,000) and then mouth it to their other half as if they weren't quite sure that's the amount they wanted in the first place! As my friend Joe correctly said during a discussion about this, "You're not ordering a f****n' pizza!" However, I do accept that people need loans and as such, am not arguing that all loan adverts be binned despite their lameness.
No, I argue that Carol Vorderman telling me how sometimes you need that little bit extra to get you through a tough patch or whatever crap she's spouting is completely wrong. How can someone who's a multi-millionaire tell me how 'we' sometimes need a bit of extra help? You've all ready got a load of dosh and now you're getting paid even more dosh to sympathise / empathise and help me pick the right loan - I think not. Oh and to you Phil 'Cheeky Chappy' Tuffnel, not it's not bloody "happy days" when I've been given a loan, one suspects that going into thousands of pounds of debt is hardly a call for mass celebrations!
Why do you need some millionaire celebrity to sell your product anyway? Why? Do you think I'm going think, well that Vorderman woman seems ever so nice on Countdown I think I'll use their company and their generous 40%* APR and not go to that other, non celebrity employing loan company and their 3.2%* offering?
And if that isn't enough for you, there's the music that they play in the background. During Vorderman's seemingly hour long make-me-want-to-puke-athon, there's a rubbish little ditty going de do do do, de do do do do do, de de do do do do do-do! Aggggggh!
Anyway. I accept there's a mute button and I accept I can change the channel and I do do that. However, if consigned to room 101 none of us would any longer have to put up with people who are all ready rich procrastinating about the need to borrow some money.
Anyway, that's it for that one.
* Figures not representative of actual figures!
Giraffes On A Train
(Originally Posted 12th May 07)
Giraffes On A Train
Roles:
Frankie Fishcakes – Mr. T
Super Villain (yet to be named) – Gary Coleman
Dr. Hook (Fishcakes’ ‘partner’?) – TBA
All other characters to be assigned if required!
Phone rings.
Frankie Fishcakes: Yo.
Gary Hamperman: Hello, is that Mr. Fishcakes?
FF: Yeah, who’s that? Sucka.
GH: I’m Gary Hamperman, from soft drinks corp. You know, it’s time to bring it. I have a flight scheduled for you at 10am tomorrow from Chicago International.
FF: I ain’t getting on no plane fool. I hate planes. Planes and giraffes. No way sucka, I’ll take the train!
GH: As you wish Mr. Fishcakes, I will make the necessary arrangements. Our associate, Dr. Hook, will be around to pick you up in the morning.
FF: I don’t need no babysitter, fool.
GH: Of course not, but as you know is it very valuable to us and should something go wrong with it, well lets just say Dr. Hook is one of the best botanists around.
FF: Alright sucka, I’ll be seeing this Dr. Hook tomorrow then.
GH: Goodbye Mr. Fishcakes.Call ends.Mrs. Fishcakes: Who was that honey?
FF: Some fool from the firm, its time to take it to the man. Them suckas wanted me to fly!
MF: But you hate flying almost as much as you hate giraffes!
FF: That’s what I said – I’m taking the train.
MF: It’s such a shame that it has to go.
FF: I know, but I know how much good they can do with it, even if it is only to line their own pockets the corporate b******s.
MF: Especially after what happened in ‘Nam.
FF: Yeah…Flashback to Vietnam war, lots of loud bombs exploding.
FF: Anderson, TJ, Smith! Where are you suckas?
Narrative spoken by FF: They weren’t there, them fools had gone against the Rangers’ code and left behind one of their own. I was alone. Armed only with my sniper rifle, my gold and numerous fig rolls, I fought my way through the jungle. After well over 17 long, gruelling, arduous minutes, I thought I was done fo’ sho’. But just at that moment I heard a shout…
Goat Man: You. Come here. Help.
FF: What’s up sucka?
GM: It my goat. It sick. You help?
Narrative by FF: In my mind, I could only think about the very thing that my Ranger brothers had forgotten – never leave a fallen one behind. Nursing my newly sprained ankle, I did the only thing a fool could do. I used all my knowledge I’d gained from my rise through the ranks and using just some toilet roll and a frying pan, I fixed that goat.
Background music of “You’re the best by Joe Esposito” kicks in and we see Fishcakes saving the goat in an action montage.
GM: Thank you, thank you for saving goat. Please take this orchid. The orchid can save many people, but be careful there are many who want plant.
FF: You’re crazy, fool.GM: No, no, plant is very special.
GM takes small cutting off orchid
GM: Here, eat.
FF eats cutting
FF: You’re not crazy fool, that sucka of an ankle just got better.
GM: And look…
GM points towards the plant and Fishcakes sees plant has already grown back the part from which the cutting was taken.
GM: You see, plant can have no harm.
FF: You mean it’s indestructible?
GM: By hands, yes, but if whole plant eaten, plant gone. Here, you take now.Bullet soars past Fishcakes’ head
FF: What was that?
FF dives for cover, sees the critter through sniper-vision and shoots man through eye socket. Fishcakes then approaches goat man who is lying on the floor:
FF: You ok, fool?
No response, goat man is….dead!
Fades back to current day in Fishcakes’ house and focus on plant on the table. The doorbell rings. Fishcakes opens the door and Dr. Hook is stood there.
Giraffes On A Train
Roles:
Frankie Fishcakes – Mr. T
Super Villain (yet to be named) – Gary Coleman
Dr. Hook (Fishcakes’ ‘partner’?) – TBA
All other characters to be assigned if required!
Phone rings.
Frankie Fishcakes: Yo.
Gary Hamperman: Hello, is that Mr. Fishcakes?
FF: Yeah, who’s that? Sucka.
GH: I’m Gary Hamperman, from soft drinks corp. You know, it’s time to bring it. I have a flight scheduled for you at 10am tomorrow from Chicago International.
FF: I ain’t getting on no plane fool. I hate planes. Planes and giraffes. No way sucka, I’ll take the train!
GH: As you wish Mr. Fishcakes, I will make the necessary arrangements. Our associate, Dr. Hook, will be around to pick you up in the morning.
FF: I don’t need no babysitter, fool.
GH: Of course not, but as you know is it very valuable to us and should something go wrong with it, well lets just say Dr. Hook is one of the best botanists around.
FF: Alright sucka, I’ll be seeing this Dr. Hook tomorrow then.
GH: Goodbye Mr. Fishcakes.Call ends.Mrs. Fishcakes: Who was that honey?
FF: Some fool from the firm, its time to take it to the man. Them suckas wanted me to fly!
MF: But you hate flying almost as much as you hate giraffes!
FF: That’s what I said – I’m taking the train.
MF: It’s such a shame that it has to go.
FF: I know, but I know how much good they can do with it, even if it is only to line their own pockets the corporate b******s.
MF: Especially after what happened in ‘Nam.
FF: Yeah…Flashback to Vietnam war, lots of loud bombs exploding.
FF: Anderson, TJ, Smith! Where are you suckas?
Narrative spoken by FF: They weren’t there, them fools had gone against the Rangers’ code and left behind one of their own. I was alone. Armed only with my sniper rifle, my gold and numerous fig rolls, I fought my way through the jungle. After well over 17 long, gruelling, arduous minutes, I thought I was done fo’ sho’. But just at that moment I heard a shout…
Goat Man: You. Come here. Help.
FF: What’s up sucka?
GM: It my goat. It sick. You help?
Narrative by FF: In my mind, I could only think about the very thing that my Ranger brothers had forgotten – never leave a fallen one behind. Nursing my newly sprained ankle, I did the only thing a fool could do. I used all my knowledge I’d gained from my rise through the ranks and using just some toilet roll and a frying pan, I fixed that goat.
Background music of “You’re the best by Joe Esposito” kicks in and we see Fishcakes saving the goat in an action montage.
GM: Thank you, thank you for saving goat. Please take this orchid. The orchid can save many people, but be careful there are many who want plant.
FF: You’re crazy, fool.GM: No, no, plant is very special.
GM takes small cutting off orchid
GM: Here, eat.
FF eats cutting
FF: You’re not crazy fool, that sucka of an ankle just got better.
GM: And look…
GM points towards the plant and Fishcakes sees plant has already grown back the part from which the cutting was taken.
GM: You see, plant can have no harm.
FF: You mean it’s indestructible?
GM: By hands, yes, but if whole plant eaten, plant gone. Here, you take now.Bullet soars past Fishcakes’ head
FF: What was that?
FF dives for cover, sees the critter through sniper-vision and shoots man through eye socket. Fishcakes then approaches goat man who is lying on the floor:
FF: You ok, fool?
No response, goat man is….dead!
Fades back to current day in Fishcakes’ house and focus on plant on the table. The doorbell rings. Fishcakes opens the door and Dr. Hook is stood there.
Giraffes On A Train - The Introduction
(Originally Posted 12th May 07)
Right ok, so here's how this was conceived. Last summer (the Sunday after St. Helens became Challenge Cup winners at Twickers - which is a hovel of a stadium by the way, thank god we're back to Wembley this year - sorry I do believe I've just wandered off on a tangent...)
Anyway, Last summer, myself and a few others went to see Snakes On A Plane starring Samuel L. Jackson. So inspired were we by this epic film that we were immediately thinking of potential sequels to this cinematic masterpiece.And as it happens, we were on the train back to Matt's so we instantly had our setting. Then we decided that there could only be one actor in the entire world that would have a chance of sharing our vision for Giraffes On A Train and making it the ultimate blockbuster. Mr. T.
It was agreed that Mr. T would be travelling by train to hand over a very special orchid which would be used to better the world in some way. However, rival evil firms would want the plant destroyed owing to the market ramifications on their respective companies and so would hire a special super villian (Gary "What you talkin' about Willis" Coleman) to prevent this from happening. So the super villian decides to smuggle giraffes onto the train that Mr. T is on - and release some sort of chemical agent which makes the giraffes super hungry. Did I mention that the train is heading for a botonist convention?
Anyway, that was about it in a nutshell, vague agreements were made that we'd each take turns in writing the script and eventually I wrote the first part of it. However, it turned out my co-writers to be were too busy on other projects to assist me and so I wrote part 2 as well, which isn't as good as part 1 and I'm not sure I've even got it on the PC - will find out in a bit I guess.
Anyway, I shall go find the script now (which has basically been written for Mr. T - he is the star of this show after all) and put it up in a bit. Hope you enjoy!
Right ok, so here's how this was conceived. Last summer (the Sunday after St. Helens became Challenge Cup winners at Twickers - which is a hovel of a stadium by the way, thank god we're back to Wembley this year - sorry I do believe I've just wandered off on a tangent...)
Anyway, Last summer, myself and a few others went to see Snakes On A Plane starring Samuel L. Jackson. So inspired were we by this epic film that we were immediately thinking of potential sequels to this cinematic masterpiece.And as it happens, we were on the train back to Matt's so we instantly had our setting. Then we decided that there could only be one actor in the entire world that would have a chance of sharing our vision for Giraffes On A Train and making it the ultimate blockbuster. Mr. T.
It was agreed that Mr. T would be travelling by train to hand over a very special orchid which would be used to better the world in some way. However, rival evil firms would want the plant destroyed owing to the market ramifications on their respective companies and so would hire a special super villian (Gary "What you talkin' about Willis" Coleman) to prevent this from happening. So the super villian decides to smuggle giraffes onto the train that Mr. T is on - and release some sort of chemical agent which makes the giraffes super hungry. Did I mention that the train is heading for a botonist convention?
Anyway, that was about it in a nutshell, vague agreements were made that we'd each take turns in writing the script and eventually I wrote the first part of it. However, it turned out my co-writers to be were too busy on other projects to assist me and so I wrote part 2 as well, which isn't as good as part 1 and I'm not sure I've even got it on the PC - will find out in a bit I guess.
Anyway, I shall go find the script now (which has basically been written for Mr. T - he is the star of this show after all) and put it up in a bit. Hope you enjoy!
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