Giraffes On A Train

(Originally Posted 12th May 07)

Giraffes On A Train
Roles:
Frankie Fishcakes – Mr. T
Super Villain (yet to be named) – Gary Coleman
Dr. Hook (Fishcakes’ ‘partner’?) – TBA
All other characters to be assigned if required!

Phone rings.

Frankie Fishcakes: Yo.

Gary Hamperman: Hello, is that Mr. Fishcakes?

FF: Yeah, who’s that? Sucka.

GH: I’m Gary Hamperman, from soft drinks corp. You know, it’s time to bring it. I have a flight scheduled for you at 10am tomorrow from Chicago International.

FF: I ain’t getting on no plane fool. I hate planes. Planes and giraffes. No way sucka, I’ll take the train!

GH: As you wish Mr. Fishcakes, I will make the necessary arrangements. Our associate, Dr. Hook, will be around to pick you up in the morning.

FF: I don’t need no babysitter, fool.

GH: Of course not, but as you know is it very valuable to us and should something go wrong with it, well lets just say Dr. Hook is one of the best botanists around.

FF: Alright sucka, I’ll be seeing this Dr. Hook tomorrow then.

GH: Goodbye Mr. Fishcakes.Call ends.Mrs. Fishcakes: Who was that honey?

FF: Some fool from the firm, its time to take it to the man. Them suckas wanted me to fly!

MF: But you hate flying almost as much as you hate giraffes!

FF: That’s what I said – I’m taking the train.

MF: It’s such a shame that it has to go.

FF: I know, but I know how much good they can do with it, even if it is only to line their own pockets the corporate b******s.

MF: Especially after what happened in ‘Nam.

FF: Yeah…Flashback to Vietnam war, lots of loud bombs exploding.

FF: Anderson, TJ, Smith! Where are you suckas?

Narrative spoken by FF: They weren’t there, them fools had gone against the Rangers’ code and left behind one of their own. I was alone. Armed only with my sniper rifle, my gold and numerous fig rolls, I fought my way through the jungle. After well over 17 long, gruelling, arduous minutes, I thought I was done fo’ sho’. But just at that moment I heard a shout…

Goat Man: You. Come here. Help.

FF: What’s up sucka?

GM: It my goat. It sick. You help?

Narrative by FF: In my mind, I could only think about the very thing that my Ranger brothers had forgotten – never leave a fallen one behind. Nursing my newly sprained ankle, I did the only thing a fool could do. I used all my knowledge I’d gained from my rise through the ranks and using just some toilet roll and a frying pan, I fixed that goat.

Background music of “You’re the best by Joe Esposito” kicks in and we see Fishcakes saving the goat in an action montage.

GM: Thank you, thank you for saving goat. Please take this orchid. The orchid can save many people, but be careful there are many who want plant.

FF: You’re crazy, fool.GM: No, no, plant is very special.

GM takes small cutting off orchid

GM: Here, eat.

FF eats cutting

FF: You’re not crazy fool, that sucka of an ankle just got better.

GM: And look…

GM points towards the plant and Fishcakes sees plant has already grown back the part from which the cutting was taken.

GM: You see, plant can have no harm.

FF: You mean it’s indestructible?

GM: By hands, yes, but if whole plant eaten, plant gone. Here, you take now.Bullet soars past Fishcakes’ head

FF: What was that?

FF dives for cover, sees the critter through sniper-vision and shoots man through eye socket. Fishcakes then approaches goat man who is lying on the floor:

FF: You ok, fool?

No response, goat man is….dead!

Fades back to current day in Fishcakes’ house and focus on plant on the table. The doorbell rings. Fishcakes opens the door and Dr. Hook is stood there.